When Melinda wrote the early draft of the essay that ended up as Chapter 2 in the #1 international bestseller Lead With Love, the first person she shared the draft with was, of course, Melissa. This was her heartfelt response ❤️
Dear Melinda,
When I read your draft chapter “Desperately Seeking Approval” I just had to reply to you, the writer, in the most respectful way I can, and write back.
You know me. I’m an enthusiastically verbose woman. You sometimes describe me as a bit “woo-woo.” I revel in creative outbursts, and I often come across as free-spirited, good-humoured, and generous of heart. I’m also someone who has worn those costumes over the years. I’ve been a social worker, counsellor, senior leader, and now coach. I also wear the titles of daughter, family member, quirky friend, wife, and, most importantly, mother. My theatre and drama teachers in VCE always said I had a potential career in acting—one I’ve yet to pursue… or have I? 😜
What’s Wrong With Acting In A Role?
Here’s the thing about acting in roles: they cause us to lose ourselves.
“I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life—so why did I feel like none of it resembled me?” (Eat, Pray, Love).
This quote from Elizabeth Gilbert rocked me to my core and sent me on a reflective spiral. In my own quest for approval, I realised that to truly achieve this ambitious goal, I needed to focus on doing the hard work of self-acceptance. Just as you described, for me, more specifically than self-acceptance, I had to ask myself those life-altering questions: “Who am I, anyway?” and “What do I really want?” And, as I hit my mid-40s, “Who do I want to be when I grow up?”
And so, the emotional soul-searching spiral began for me. Don’t assume this “spiral” is always downward. Sure, there were moments of vulnerability and shame—things I had avoided confronting throughout my childhood and adult life—but along the way, I also found rainbows and light. I even met a rare flamingo-unicorn on my journey of self-discovery!
Why I Do What We Do
I was motivated by my values and the lessons I wanted to impart to my children, which were vastly different from what I had been modelling. So, I did the HARD yards. In the past few years, I’ve undergone a personal process of confronting truths, challenging behaviours, and understanding how past traumas and life lessons have shaped me—both for the better and the worse.
“Owning our own story can be hard but not nearly as hard and as difficult as spending our lives running from it.” (Brene Brown)
Self-acceptance and growth are not easy. It requires stripping away what we think we know about ourselves, digging deeper to understand our core values and to live them everyday.
As a coach who now brings my own experience of questioning the meaning of life, I support others to reflect on their current goals, values, and purpose through gentle introspection.
I always highlight strengths and take time to understand core values. Whatever role you are in; your values will lead you with authenticity and conviction.
I see people for who they truly are: fallible, scared, strong, resilient, and often facing truths or realisations about themselves that rock them to their core. When I’m with them, I express my emotions too. I am grounded in the belief that all humans share a fundamental connection. I want to help create meaning in life that is entirely individual. I want to witness epiphanies and celebrate them.
Let’s Lead With Love!
Melinda, I’m inspired to hear that you were able to shift from that little girl who hid from the world to someone who proudly owns her talents. Watching someone finally articulate their unique strengths is an incredibly empowering moment. Thank you for letting me share yours.
That’s why I am completely sold on coaching using the Clifton Strengths model. As I’ve said before, images, not words, are my thing. Seeing your talents and strengths illustrated…well, powerful doesn’t even begin to describe it!
Let’s keep walking together, you beautiful unicorn!
Love,
Melissa
You can buy a copy of Lead With Love and read not just Melinda’s chapter but examples written by women across the world about how they recovered from a setback and share the tools that now allow them to Lead With Love.
