People-pleasing is a reflex.
It seems like such a simple sound to make. A short word. Shaking your head side to side should do it. Why then, if it’s so easy, does it sometimes feel impossible to say the word ‘no’???
We know that setting your own boundaries and mastering the art of saying no is one of the most powerful ways you can regain control of your time, energy, priorities and, sometimes, your self-respect. It’s about managing expectations. Constantly saying yes takes us on the fast-track to overwhelm, burnout and frustration and, all too often, failure to achieve your own precious goals.
Here’s how to confidently say no – without guilt – so you can Feel Better.
Why Saying No Is So Hard
It’s one thing to say that ‘no’ is a positive word to master. It’s another thing altogether to find the courage to practise saying it.
Refusing to do a task you’ve been asked to do or declining an invitation can feel terrifying. Even if they’re not conscious, a flood of ‘what if’s’ washes over us.
- What if I hurt their feelings?
- What if she thinks I can’t manage my workload?
- What if I make them angry?
- What if they laugh at me?
- What if it hurts my reputation?
- (…Add your what if here…)
We’ve all learned to be polite, to please our elders, to do what we’ve been asked (like a good girl), to prove ourselves capable. Sound familiar to you?
Breaking free of long-held habits is hard. Make no mistake, this is an early learned behaviour, particularly for women, and it’s nestled in your automatic responses. These sorts of behaviours do not like being usurped, hence the need to put in a concerted effort!
Ugh, Boundaries, I’ve No Idea Where Mine Went!
We have to rehearse saying no. The feeling that you’re letting someone else down or disappointing them is uncomfortable even when you know logically that it’s the right respons. The fear of failure is even more insidious.
Saying no isn’t a rejection; it’s a redirection of your energy toward what matters most. Working out exactly what your priorities are is key. You may never have consciously worked out your boundaries, but we’re sure you’ve felt it when you’ve unwittingly stepped over them. It’s an awful sensation.
To identify your priorities / boundaries ask yourself these questions.
- What are your key values?
- What are your non-negotiables?
- What truly matters to you?
We’ve got a Values Resource free for you to use to help you name your top 2 or 3 values. When you know what they are, you’re already well on the path to being able to name your priorities.
When you’re at a transition point like stepping into a new role or rebalancing work and life or even turning to head off in a completely new direction (exciting!!), knowing your priorities is a superpower that can make the difference between striding confidently in the right direction and feeling restrained by other people’s needs.
Yeah, Nah
It’s time to reframe the word ‘no’.
There are so many different ways to do it. The way that feels right (and sounds right coming out of your mouth) will come down to individual comfort and style.
Like you, we find saying no really hard.
Melinda, known for her sometimes blunt (she says ‘honest’!) delivery will happily say ‘no, not for me!’ and move on. Melissa, kinder and a tad more diplomatic in style, leans to the gentler version of “Oh, thank you for thinking of me, I’m not sure though that I can do that.”
That said, Melinda is renowned for nodding her way through a conversation and unwittingly giving the impression that she’s agreed to everything along the way (I’m just encouraging them to talk!) and Melissa considers how she can rearrange her own diary to make things happen (I’m just flexible!). We struggle with this one too.
The bottom line is using polite but firm language. A well-crafted response can preserve relationships while asserting your boundaries, leaving no ambiguity about your decision. We’ve put together a list of ways that might work for you to say no. Here are a few examples:
- “I won’t attend, but I appreciate the invite.”
- “Sorry, that doesn’t fit in my priorities / week / role / schedule”
- “Thanks for the opportunity but I won’t take it up at this time”
- “Nope” (couldn’t help myself!)
Do I Have To Answer Now?
Is it simple? Nope (just giving you an example of how to use the word..). Sometimes when your will whispers (say no) but your fear yells louder (just do it!) the best way forward to protect your boundaries is to embrace the power of pause.
It’s ok to take a moment, or more, and give yourself time to properly consider the request. Defer your answer and avoid a knee-jerk response you’ll resent later.
Ways you can do that include:
- Let me check my schedule and get back to you
- I can give you an answer today but I’ll have a better one for you tomorrow (Melinda’s favourite)
Use the time to check in with your values, your priorities and the demands on your time and consider the request carefully before going back with your (far more intentional) response.
You’ve Got This (Practise Makes Perfect)
Last but definitely not least, this is not a blog about being negative. There are a lot of things you are going to want to say yes to, and finding space for those is key to feeling, leading and being better.
The bigger picture here is you. Every time you say no to something that doesn’t serve you, you’re saying yes to something that does —your goals, your well-being, or your family. Saying no isn’t selfish; it’s strategic.
Your time and energy are finite. You haven’t got time to waste them so use them intentionally.
Know Where Does Your “Yes” Has The Greatest Impact
Feel Lead Be Better by making no your most powerful word. Adapted Consulting is here to guide you through the process of setting boundaries and reclaiming your path. Ready to start? Reach out today.
By the way, you can get your free copy of the ways to say no by signing up to our mailing list in March 2025. The list of ways to say no will never be completed and we’d love your insight and ideas to make it the best it can possibly be.
What’s your favourite ways to say no? Drop a comment below and share it with all of us. It might be just the phrase someone else is looking for!
